When the Things That Support Us Become Another Thing We “Should” Do
I've been thinking about my breathwork practice lately or rather my lack of one. Breathwork played a big part in my own journey. I've experienced first-hand how much it can support me, and for a long time it was something I made space for regularly. But lately? Not so much. And there's a part of me that looks at that and thinks: I should really be doing more breathwork.
Which got me thinking about that word… Should.
How often do the things that are meant to support us slowly turn into things we feel like we should be doing?
“I should meditate.”
“I should exercise more.”
“I should go to bed earlier.”
“I should spend less time on my phone.”
“I should do my breathing practice.”
“I should eat better.”
“I should make more time for friends.”
All things that might genuinely make us feel good. But somewhere between knowing that and actually doing them, something can change.
When something nourishing starts to feel like another task
Maybe you started going for morning walks because you loved how you felt afterwards. Then you decided you should do it every morning. You miss a few days. And suddenly you're not thinking about how much you enjoy walking. You're thinking: I really need to get back into my routine. The walk hasn't changed. Your relationship with it has.
Something we chose because it felt good has quietly become another measure of whether we're doing life “right”. And I notice this in myself too.
If I tell myself I should do breathwork because I'm a breathwork facilitator, because I know how beneficial it can be, or because it's something I used to do regularly, does that make me want to practice? Not really. It can actually do the opposite.
What happens when we take away the “should”?
This is where I've been getting curious.
What if instead of asking: What should I be doing?
We asked: What do I actually need today?
Those questions might lead to completely different answers.
Maybe the thing you normally love isn't what you need today.
Maybe you don't need an hour-long yoga practice. You need ten minutes lying on the floor.
Maybe you don't need to push yourself through a workout. You need to go for a walk.
Maybe you don't need to meditate. You need to call someone.
Maybe you don't need to do anything at all.
And maybe tomorrow the answer will be different again.
I don't think that means routines or commitment are bad. Sometimes doing something even when we don't particularly feel like it is exactly what we need.
But I do think there's a difference between supporting ourselves with a practice and using that practice as another way to judge ourselves.
Is this still supporting me?
There's another question I've been sitting with: Do I still want this?
Just because something supported us once doesn't necessarily mean it needs to stay exactly the same forever.
Our lives change.
Our bodies change.
Our interests change.
What we need changes.
My relationship with breathwork has changed over the years too. My focus shifted more towards bodywork and Zenthai Shiatsu, and the way I connect with my body now isn't necessarily the same as it was a few years ago. That doesn't take away from what breathwork gave me. And it doesn't mean I need to force myself back into the exact practice I had before. Maybe I get to discover what my relationship with it looks like now. I think we can forget to give ourselves that choice.
Instead of asking “Why have I stopped doing this?” as though something has gone wrong, maybe we can ask:
“Does this still support me?”
“Do I actually miss it?”
“What did I love about it in the first place?”
“Do I want to come back to it — or do I just think I should?”
That last one feels particularly important.
Maybe the practice can change too
And if the answer is yes, I do miss it, coming back doesn't necessarily mean recreating what we did before. This is something I'm exploring with breathwork myself. I don't need to create a big new commitment. I don't need to decide how many times a week I'm going to practice. I don't need to make it another goal.
I can start with: What would feel good today? Maybe it's five minutes with my breath. Maybe it's a longer practice. Maybe it's nothing.
There's a softness in that which I think we can lose when wellbeing becomes another area of life we're trying to be “good” at.
A few questions to sit with
So rather than finishing this with five things you can do to build better habits, I'll leave you with some questions instead. Think of something you feel like you should be doing more of and then ask yourself:
Why do I think I should be doing this?
How do I actually feel when I do it?
Do I genuinely miss it when it's not part of my life?
Is the practice supporting me — or has it become another expectation I put on myself?
If I took away all the rules around what it should look like, would I want to come back to it?
And what might that look like for me now?
You don't need to have the answers straight away. Just notice what comes up.
For me, breathwork is something I genuinely want to make a little more space for again. But I'm trying not to turn that desire into another “I should.” Because the things that support us don't always need more discipline. Sometimes they need a little less pressure.